Left alone??...

felt like talking about the relationship i have with others...how do feel wen u see ur frens not being close with u animore..not talking to u, well once in awhile or maybe not at all...i miss all of them...i wonder why my boys are showing me so much attitude nowadays...well nt so much of an atitude but more like a 'not interested'. my angel, she jus has to always give excuses tt shes going out with others we she knws me for 4yrs...i like so sad...wenever i called her for a movie, she'd jus say shes planned to go for the movie with someone else..n afta tt tellin me the story...shalinee wen missing, i wonder why she did, but i know shes still active in her own ways though she said she had exams, but well i miss her alot, ALOT cause she was the 1st to knw hw passionate i was in love...n if nt for me, i think she wuldn't hav continued skooling, instead moving overseas...one caring frend she was... den my god sis dhurga..she really 4gt me!!! the clique she is with are my old buddies but i guess they themseleves dun tell me anything abt her....but she found her love alreadi n im sure tt was a big reason for her disappearance...she culd even tell her mom tt i didn't msg or call her wen i did but she didn't reply...isn't tt right akka??? my brother navan...oh my gosh!! u've been missing alot lately...boy he was the most closest of frens with me since secondary school, though i knw him in primary school...i had lunch almost everyday at his place with him on his bed...i slack with him for recess...we sit together for every lesson...in poly we were in the same course for 1 yr den we seperated,however we got back thru dance sport...gosh i loved it alot man...we were the only guys dancing together and veri well like couples...well im the girl and he's the guy and the teacher would always say tt i was more graceful than the other girls....hahaha all bcos he was there to enjoy with me...but ever since yr 2. he disappeared now and then...once inawhile we see in the bus...now, even tt doesn't happen...only in average, twice a month i see him...how awful wuld this be...

im so sad tt these beloved frens are missing in action in my life....plese come back guys!!!

peace?

life goes on as usual,

school, prayers, bubu, friends, my pops n mommykins

but there jus one thing tt i cant seem to find, y cnt i find peace???

wherever i go, i dun feel a peace of mind

at school, stressed about lesson, too cold environment; sometimes i seriously wish they had off the air-con, walking here and there during breaks without an aim, no one to actualy study with..

at home, always seeing the same 3 faces, have to do the house work on my own wen my stupid sis always sits on the computer jus chatting, friendstering and now facebooking too, dad coming home drunk almost every night even though he's aware of his health condition, mom always looking emo;wonder why, and yes the prayers i do at hm; they don't seem to help me gt peace most times...

go out, haha, i cnt even go out, its like im in army, and skool is like im booking out and going home or something...

somehow, i jus wish i culd find that peace...help me

its been some time...long i guess

well it hass been a long time...since i blogged...
many things happened...my ex, HER, my family and friends

start with my ex 1st,
she wants a maintance, she doesn't want me, but shes been going around talking to my friends to try to get me back to her, she used her so-called aunt to threaten my girl to leave me, she tortured me previously by blackmailing over the phone, n yet she msges me that she wants to continue to be a GOOD FRIEND to me...
why is she so fickle-minded??? i don't know..she really spoiled my life, she spoiled my reputation, i lost some of my best friends, my parents nearly abandoned me...why???

now about HER,
i've got alot to say here...
wel for the past few weeks, haven't been speaking to her well, stressed over my ex, and also angry sometimes about the things she says and does, i dunno if she really does love me, she put on her blog that i m onli claiming that i love her, which means shes meaning that i'm acting, isn't it?? everytime she fell sick, i cried to my alter, why is she falling so sick, pls takecare of her...but there she is thinking that im nt caring....yes, sometimes im speaking like i'm not bothered...but no one knows whats hapening to me...sometimes i really dunno y but my mood swings are so bad i jus tend to show it to her in other ways....i wen out once with my godsis without telling her once, its my fault, i shud hav told, but y suspet me,....i dedicated once to my godsis a song on her fb...for that also she suspected...was tt wrng...she wrote on her fb,"he's interested in another girl, seems he is"....why was that so??? if someone did see, wat would they have thought of me?? playboy?? timer?? she went out with her godbro and fren for a movie which she promised me weeks before to go for....end up i never went for it...i seriously had no mood, why promise me in the 1st place? and if she really did love me, why did she not ask her whoever to watch another movie instead?? it shows how much importance and influence they have in her life more than i do... after all i came after them...obviously theres lesser importance.for me....this is not all, i go down for cycling and its wrong if i didn't tell her, well she doesn't tell all the time if she were going down,...but i jus started my cycling regime so it didn't sem so important, but for that she complained...yes, sometimes i am revengeful but i don't test love, last night she did...she said gd nite...and i also replied gd nite, thinking she might be a lil angry with me...so i tot let her msg me properly in the mrng..but wat happened was that she msg me saying that she was checking if i said 'i love u' in my msg to her, n tt she purposely didn't say it...y???y test my love like this???i cried....!!! i cried so much, it was jus the same feeling that my ex gave me wen she said she acted that she was with another guy, when she really was(eventually i found out)...y is it that im at fault, and she takes the blame and im made to feel guilty, or on the other hand, tested if my love was true or not??? am i supposed to like giv my llife to shw my love?? or leave everything just for her??? i seriosuly dunno!!!


nw for my family...
they hurt me, remind me of my past, at the same time encourage me to study welll, support me needs nw and then...why are they also fickle minded??? my sista is neva a gd person tho trust...shes onli 16 and she has 6 ex-bfs....like WTH!! and wen i ask her she jus tells me on my face that im no betta than her for me to advice her...im like so pissed...and i just don't knw wat to do abt all this...

my friends....wel one by one...they have seperated....left are my boys.. of them are away...the rest....i guess they're suporting my ex...i dunno who to trust as a gd frend..to share my hurt..to cry my pain out..
i began this blog as heroes of life, thinking im also a hero...but i guess im jus a woos...haix

wat a fool i was

and i thought i was making a mistake in my life,
my ex had been troubling mr some time back that i was having another girl and she said she was just acting that she had another guy...
and afta so many days i actually discovered that she had been the one having another guy...wat a girl...and she could even call him baby wen he was only with her for 2 weeks acording to her...or maybe more...she had been having all the guy friends to find a guy who could appeace her love satisfaction...i guess i did the wrong thing with the wrong girl...i regret now for watever had happened...even my girl was so much more understanding than my ex...never had i had the trouble to be pushed around by her....welll shes a gd girl who knws hw to behave...but nt myex...i hated the 2nd half of thetime i was with her..i was practically loosing my interest in education because of her...i had to fetch her from skool everyday like some watchman....like wth....and sometimes i had to even go home as late as 9...her mom troubled me if she had gone missing and i had to go look for her...i dunno y she did this to me...but i guess i have escaped all the torment...and here i am now...a new life..much happier...much more controlled and disciplined....yay!!!!
i hate tt fatttyy!!!

x-men, angels and demon

wen for movies on 2 saturdays...so slack...hahah
1st few times i ever had the chance to watch movie premires at late night
and u knw even though it was crowded, it was so quite and cold....felt so peaceful...
haha
x-men...not so bad actually...hahaha
its quite interesting to know that a big reason for the x-men to be formed was because of wolverine or logan...and his wife in the movie was so hot man hahah

as for angels and demons...
i can't say anything..it has everything in it...except love...
and solving this kinda mystery isn't an easy task...
but the murders were really nicely planned..it wonderous how the director had beautifully portrayed the way each father was murdered...the most classis murder was at the church of the angel of fire...the father was tied to chains and hanged like being crucified and benches and other furnitures were burning under him...overall its one of the best movies i have seen.

=)

Back to the past....


i can still remember, kindergarten graduation
my 1st dance, mukkaala mukkaapulaa, haha, i dunno who i danced with but i can remember it was a girl, cowboy caps were fashion statement at that era.
and then, hmm, oh ya, chinese dance, wearing the cap with the pony tail...so cute haha
miss kamala, a very close teacher whom even now i can relate to...shes the sweetest, never scolds us, except for shalu, the mess of the class with the cheeky, big smile always kenna for messing up her uniform during painting sessions...and oh ya, my 1st fight, with dax singh, bloody bangalah!!! injure me for nothing, still got the scur on my thigh. n then bus uncle seelan and narayanasaamy n rukkmani aunty..now all grow old they can't even see well...so sad so sad

den primary 1, my 1st bday with skool frens at my place, and seriously non of them were indian, all were chinese wearing glasses who came from the same family, the guns...
being in primary skool brings back all those memories with the teachers, expecially bcos of our tamil teacher, i can't remember her name but shes a muslim, n she was the 1st to send me back home with a lipstick mark direct from the lips...so swit hor...hahah
den mrs sim, our scout head, so thin like bamboo but act damn fierce lor...hahaha...and den the botanical garden, cos we love to catch tadpoles and spiders, using tamakuchi capsules and beeboo dragon drink bottles...haha n that was the 1st place i saw a black cobra at just 2 meters range..the only setback i had was to not earn my scout arrows wen i was jus 1-2 taskes away from earning them..haix

and den secondary skool...so damn hactic sial...new environmant, teachers more fierce, harsh rules, wearing tie on mondays, slightly longer hours of lessons...but the longest memories i had was in sec skool...will blog more on my nex post...=)

TO OR NOT TO...

sometimes i just wish i could trust you forever, but
something bothers me..

when ur silent, many thoughts run in my mind,
where u r, what ur doing, with whom u r,

after you spilled the beans, for once i thought you might change...
but even then there were things you didn't tell, till i found out...

maybe its my fault for being too concerned, that i'm barging into your privacy...
or maybe i'm suspecting you, its yours to decide.

but why hide when u want to change?
so should i just step aside from ur personal?

some way or another, i'm not letting you in ur ways,
but why be afraid of me?

for once, i'll let you have your ways, if you think ur right.
i'm not giving up on you, i'm just giving you freedom..

afta all i'm just....
sorry...for everything...

skool daze....

the thought about my previous 2 years in skool, realli makes me wonder if that was me....slacking at the cafeteria, smoking corners, skipping lesson to go out or slack at the library, watching movie with unknown people at skool, having late lunches with classmates nt to go to class...woww...alot alot...and theres got to be more i've done...in the name of slack...hahah

sometimes i even skip lessons for my ex...most of the times...and i did get nearly debarred from my modules...what a life man...ijus wonder why i did a that...wasn't i a solid gem in secondary skool even though i was the weakest link in most subjects...shear determination, hard work and a lil luck brought me thru in the express stream, n sometimes my parents came in on time to save me from being demoted..somehow managed to get into poly and still surviving strong...

even the number of frens i hav is not much actually...about a lil more than 100 people..lolx....i've got almost anyone to say hi to everyday...and a handful to slack with...lol...and a few to study with..heheh...wel this is my simple life i used to live at skool...i'm changing my life slowly jus to work for that piece of diploma....its not easy to get one nowadays....skools demand loads students to be at their best at everything to earn a diploma and thats wat im working to..to best at everything i am confident to be best at...

but some people...never get this in their heads...they think life is a piece of chococlate cake...jus finish it and u'll be happy forever..NO!!...theres more than a cake to it....the cake needs iceing, fruits, biscuits, and a cold environment...same thing to life...we need a lil of everything and the cold environment to keep us from melting is our edu...no edu and we're jus melted cream....hahah...

holidays are out...skool's in !!!

it so seems indian dun like to go skool on the 1st day,
hahah
entering skool, all the stupid 1st yrs hogging themain gate and the smoking corner man!!can't even get a peaceful puff...lol!!
1st lesson.MAMS tutorial...looking at the time table, i jus couldn't be sure who my lecturer was...and wen i entered the class room,"BUTHUUUUUU!!!!"
my MEM lecturer...back as my MAMS tutor...and i jus slammed my head and said,,"walau, u again arh!!!'' the whole class started laughing...hahaha...
and he asked me how i actually did, and i told him tt i actually passed his subject by dumb luck...he jus said,"obviously, ur jus tossing coins during the exam", and i was like WTH!!!!hahah

BREAK!!!

walking around skool, finding for my band of brothers and dispicable sistas...girl called and said her fren was having break...n she wanted to meet me...and i said i was wit my fren's bro...n the god damn fren was like having her lunch and den oni meet me knw...i was like...here a man is starving n waiting for u but u makan and come...den we wen for cca display at the convention hall..ICS makal ask me to intro a few to join our society...wonder if they did...afta tt me n my fren's bro wen for lunch, end up the jackass left to bishan...jus as i was eating a grp of my old classmates saw me and asked if anyone was sitting wit me...i said no n the whold gang of chinese set wit me...for once i felt great tt i had chinese frens...in a few seconds everyone left to get makan, leaving 1 gal n me at the table...she was a gem man...i tell u...she nvr opens her mouth for anything knw...but her smile cute larh...and den randomly she asked me,"hw's skool?" n i said,"sux la" and her chuckle was so cute man...jus as i finish eating everyone came back...den oni my tamilan gang entered the canteen...haix...everytime i gt break, they gt lesson...den i jus left without saying bye to anyone...the girl actually stood up and said bye...and the rest were like waving to me as if i was going off forever...so nice of them...they were the oni class who actually helped me in my studies...

class time...go in for a stupid lecture and the jackass teacher was so gay...eeeekkkk...
and den afta tt lesson 1 by 1 met my skool mates...den girl said she wanted to meet me to pass sumthing...i din knw...den she was like at skool at 1...n she told she was leaving...1.30 i called again...she said she was held back and she was coming...i said dun come...she beg to come...i said ok...1.45 call again...den oni she take bus...2pm...my lesson start, she alight from the bus...she walk to me...said sowie...for the 1st time i actually blasted so badly at her...like come on man...1st day, 1st lecture for tt module n im late...now isn't tt nice...so upset, and she gave me $60...i was like...FISH!!!! other ppl wud love to hav so much moni, who ever the giver is...but i hate to take moni frm any1 even if it was a gift...i scolded her for it too...den walked wit her n her fren to the bustop...wen to class late...well the lecturer was late too...but i din do any work...well, the teacher said i was excused cos my 1st n last lessons were the same...and so...i jus sat arnd teaching a few guys how to do all the sums...

jus afta skool...met a few of indian frens..once again, another pweety gal who dun talk to me, actually said hi to me...talking to them awhile...planned to go out with the gang soon..hahah
and so yea..skool busstop, crowd...walk out...take bus...go home...end of 1st day...lolx

singing in the rain

my life feels so tough...i dunno if i shud jus giv up everything n stay alone, or fight for wat i must. i dun knw who is supporting me, who is backstabbing me, who strays in the shadows to play me out...the more i think, the more my mind gets confused. if only i could turn the clock back..i wish i had been my old self, a hard- working, studious, friendly, mummy's boy...too bad!!
i made the wrong choices and nw i'm put at a spot where i can't decide my own fate, everyone has a part to play in my life...my love life has been a total havoc, until recently, it jus changed, and nw i'm happy tt i can be my old self...a new support, she holds on to me even if i'm gonna fall into a longkang....tears for the pain i go thru, yearns for a true love...well...life goes on...

realisation of the divine

jus as i was praying the other day with my uncle, i asked him many questions...
who is god??
why do we have so many gods???
wat do we get in praying to every single one??
if god is god, than y so many features??y not jus one figure??
all my uncle said was...
son, u hav alot to learn, i learnt it the hard way, i could teach you everything and answer all ur questions..but it would be much more fruitful wen u get the right answers on your own...
now, i've begun the quest to answer every question in my mind and heart...
if anyone is wiling to share..do send me comments to this entry and the other entries on this in future..
god is only 1 for everyone!!

some people really need to fall to learn their lessons

I'd been seeing loads of youths...studying for the sake of their parents' sake, not for a better future, especially our indian community. relationships have become a common site. frenship that has even lead to formation of secret societies are also obvious. why?? hav youths really become ignorant about education, since it has become such an easy and simplified form to digest to earn a diploma or degree, or is it just the youthful mind??

in my life of education, i've been very weak, from primary school till i got my o levels, my mother pushed me all the way, under her guidance i studied ery hard, sometimes i did let her down with failure, but still i got average results and survived thruout in express stream. but ever since i had started my diploma course, complacency had become part of me, taking everything easy failing test wasn't a big issue,but repeating modules were.leaving class to slack with frens, go out with my girl, all this had pulled me down. some of my frens, eve indians would as me, why can't you jus juggle your time after school or even weekends and put your full force during studying time??? well nw i understand, i hadn't been putting my concentration on my educaion cos there wasn't a strong will power in what i was doing. scared to make the nex move, afraid of who might leave me nex, especially my girl...but as time passed, i understood, when i stay strong, thats wen i will not be afraid who's here and who's not, thats wen i can successed, i knw there are a hand full of people right behind to suport me when i ain't strong, but if i keep myself strong, thats when they wil also think that i'm worthy to support them. i left my ex long time back, y? she had been pulling me down, she did not give me the strength to successed, she made me feel unsecure . but when i decided that i shud get over her n move towards my goal, i seriously worked, though, i did get another love, my bestie, a dream come true, y? true love would come from your family and a true fren, and she gave me that security, she gave me the comfort a gd fren would whole-heartedly give, she gave the strength a wife would give her husband, yet she herself had been also doing the same as wat i did during my skool times, obviously everyone would, but, even after i say about what i have gone thru, i expect her, well, everyone to learn a lesson from it....it may be a small thing, but it sure helps alot...

a few instances, she had gone out to meet her frens, i'm not saying its wrong , but, when you can spend it wisely on your exam prep or jus simple revision, y go out??? especially during the pre-exam period??? i did, and i suffered, much worst results...i dun expect anyone else to become like me...

medicine may taste bitter, but the outcome is always sweet,
working hard like ants thruout summer, auttum and spring will build the strongest shelter during winter..
this is wat i have learn wen i fell, dun fall, learn from the mistakes of others..
everything here is for good, dun take it wrongly,
=)

lets role! vroom vroom..or more like cycles..hehe

tdy was a day seriously i had never expected to be this tired...
a very mind blowing experience afta a long time...
mrng...met my close fren, we went to east coast...well m plan was jus to check on the prices to book bicycles for nite cycling, and so we wen to the 1st store...den my fren suggested we shud rent a bike for easy accessibility...andso we took a doubles...we went up to 4 stores to check the price..and well...we were jus cycling around...and den....i was jus thinking...shall we track the route for my event....we took of our shirts off and started cycling from east coast to our 1st destination..changi...well it was a long route..cycling pass a buncha white hot chics...hehe(someone's turning red, kekex) and den a lon straight road...about 3km i guess..and den behind the airport...watching planes fly above us...and den a garden area..well it looked like a deserted path(best place to bring a girl to have a romantic private night,heheh)....passing SAF ferry terminal...haha...and den we reach changi....and one lady asked us i a loud tone."mana baju"...and i said "thada machik"...hahah and den at one point we got stuck at changi village..we did a trial and error...passed ramar temple...pass changi airbase...pass loyang sithi vinayagar temple and reached pasir ris...wat a relief...getting close to our end point..pass sun plaza park and den we reach a point of total tiredness..both of drinks had finished.. we passed TP...well the reason to jus show off our hot bods..hahaha too bad din hav one...and den we changed our route thru bedok park connector...our end was almost nearing....we passed this primary skool....so cute the kids ..but wen they saw us, they were like...OH MY MUMMY!!!...one girl went....eeeee, naked man!!!!
hahaha
so cute know...and den detours after detours, passing NEWater plant and a long stretch 4 kmm long...passing another camp....i 4got what place it was...and den finally..underpass!!
yay!!
into east coast, past outward bound, all the way to coastal bicycle rental...we were totally shagged like wet dogs..haha..the shop owner look at us like we were terrorists....lol asked us to pay $10 more and den we jus left..damn fun la the route....passing by people and randomly saying hello! some were jammed, some smiled, some even replied..hahaha
well i'm ready for another round..cos i'm actually organising a night cycling event...hope to get as much as 30 fit people to bring alone..yay!!!
approximately 40 km in 5hr 35mins....yea....
smilessszzz!!!

humiliation

today i had nvr felt busier den ever...morning i got up at 5.30...got ready and left with my dad n my sis to tample...it was my uncle's wedding..and well...i felt that it was gonna be the most hactic daY EVER!!... dots to dots..

talking to my cousins n my frens...meeting all my relatives who didn't even rmbr tt it was me...yea...it was feeling like MY DAY...

wedding over...back hm...the bride and groom came home with their families...i jus left cos i was supposed to tie statue for chariot prayers near my place..with my bro's help, i managed to do it with all the best i can..

done and over at the tentage...my uncle n his boss were making thoranam and well...me n my bro were to collect some things from my dad's store and....dots to dots...deco doing in the process...familiy enters...frens enter and leave...

and this new guy, karthik who was my uncle's new fren was introducing himself to me...i felt he was a lil gayish but he was very nice towards me....and well he even said he wanted to meet up wit me...welll to help me in my drawing business and well i said ok as we stayed in opposite blocks, not knwing each other for very long...

dots to dots...deco almost done...my uncle was looking at my statue..and well he had his comments but i wasn't arnd to hear it...i did my own work cos it was getting late...and den he asked a question...

wat flower did u order for the statue???

for a sec i was jammed cos i totally forgot afta hactic weeks of work... n i said i nvr order, no moni...

and suddenly... a slipper jus flew but missed me and everyone was laughing at me...like wtf!!!

jus for not ordering i get humiliated...and for peet's sake, all the fundings were collected by me this yr...up n dwn blocks....food also i decided wat to put for people....performance on another side giving problem even though i arranged it...and my father goes arnd stressing me n bossing me arnd... n now this...no one except my fren's dad appreciated the amount of effort i had been putting to make this a successful function...y r people making use of me n jus humiliate me...

this isn't right...!!!

i can't hit him back...but im not tt kinda person...but my own mother laughed at wat had happened instead of confronting him for doing such a humiliating thing...somemore in public!!!

i jus wished there was someone who be out there to listen to the hurt in me...n make me feel cooled..

hunnie, where r u wen i really need u???

evil, emo or plain seeker youths???

jus wondering wats youth life about, and well, this thought came,

are youths evil inside or are jus seeking attention or plain emo??

1 type of youth i come across, are those under depression,

they love to cut, i hate the sound of pen knives n blades

they say it relieves their stress...they use the term shiok...

and the look of it is seriously irritatiing...u can feel the pain in urself u urself would tear..

some are somewhat, psycos, well, the love failers, the overly depressed ones, who are at the vurge of commiting suicide, eg. sitting on the railings or parapets of blocks, over drinking with panadol, finishing one whole packet of unprescribed medicine...dot dot dot....all jus bcos they're stress or hav failed in something, like love...

the 2nd type i've seen are the make-up ladies who love to cam-whore, wateva tt is...

eye liner, eye shadow, blush, foundation, and a milllion more cosmetics..not to forget, dyed hair, revealing clothes, and the stockings, n the designer heals...and theres many more from where that came from...and the most important aspect, CAMERA PHONE!!!!

all these, to show the fake side of beauty over the net....like COME ON!!!

and the last type are the ones who 'play'....well a term that means, having a few bf n gf at 1 time..

its so weird how u cud show the same amount of love to every person u r attached to, at the same time..!!! and some youths, aware that their partner is doing this, can still say, i'll let do what you want as long as in the end your're still with me...

i mean theres a limit but not like this...

wats youth life really like...is this all..

well...

hassel, fun, loving...

hav gone thru many things...and now i think back..i still wonder..is youth life jus this...or is there more to it...i'm still finding an answer..i hope to get an answer...

i'm sorry

to see u tear will be the last thing in my mind
but i put u in this spot because of my stupidity.
i wanted u to have a big family.
i wanted u to gain back your happiness.
but instead i began thinking of u the wrong way,
how could i?
it was my suspicious mind that saw things around me in the wrong ways,
should i have really suspected you, that minute would have been my last.
but afta a lustrous experience with u, i can't make that assumption.
i could never leave your side for another, i'de be cheating my own heart.
i feel insecure, i fear, im worried, bubu, would u leave me?
please..
if it were to happen,....
i jus dunno why, but, my love for is so big, i'd blow up if i were to loose u..
how could i have hurt you??? was it really me who did that honey??
i'm sorry....

chemistry of love types

sometimes i jus wonder wat love is all about... some love expect gifts, some expect physical intimacy, and some, jus love, nothing else...but my new life with my love has been a combination of all these love types...when she likes something, she would always tell me, like clothes, i do love to see her in the most posh clothes cos my baby is a hawt hawt babe...hehe..well if i have enough, i could get it for her.

when she really feels that she needs that private time with me, i'm more than willing to spend it fruitfully with her, she feels so much loved and sometimes i just wonder, am i so loving that she gets turned on too???...haha..once i went to her place and well she asked,baby can i rape you??..and i jus rebutted...Do you have to ask???...and she us asked me to come and rape her....hahaha..well its a playful way we use to talk with each other...in the process, she did ask me if we could do it, jus once, she really felt loved for that moment, but thinking of consequences made me say no...i regret tlling her that cos i was ready for it, but i wasn't playing safe without a helmet, so i'd rather be safe than sorry, but i promised her that the next time we do get together, we shall do it...

and sometimes she would jus need a few minutes in my arms...thinking that i'm her mom...well, i grew up more under mom's love...my dad wasn't the loving type...so yea...i'm waiting for the day to giv her something special in public, well, to see the tears of joy...to hear her say that she loves me in public...the feeling is so great that as i think of it now, i'm jus hoping that it happens soon.

evil....within....

the evil within never seem to rest when hurt and hatred were to play peek-a-boo,

the good hearts would never privale when the psycotic and the confused sorts to torture.

Though the silent evil seeks revenge, the good would stand strong to not behave barbarically against the devil surrounding my life.

An evil of a normal would be just as irritating as mice,

but the evil of the silent and peaceful is far more destructive.

Somehow, patience plays its part to control the revengeful mind,

who is to blame for this rare charecteristic..??

But the piles of hurt and loads of anger would be too heavy for this heart, and when it over loads,

silence will never be as merciful anymore!!!

true love...

its difficult how true love successeds after going thru rocky paths of problems and sometimes even short seperations. sometimes there are even loves which go thru a cleared path, so clear that every minute you see them, their always smiling for everything. but some love stories jus end before they even reach the half way mark, breakups and stuff. some are too complicated to unserstand, confusinf life.
but till now some people still don't understand what a gd relationship means. if ur in a relationship, and half the time ur admiring her body, thats not true love. admiring her character, the way she speaks, with so much life and love, sometimes in upset, now thats called true love.
girls these days have learned to choose whom they really like, but some don't know how to behave. they treat their partner like maids, making them carry her stuff,sometimes even treating him like trash, throwing him away for a betta guy. some girls are plain fickle and childish and its not easy to change them at all.
in my experience, my 1st love really sucked to the core...in the beginning everything seemed very smooth. but afta 3 months, she would talk about her ex wen i said don't, she would scold me if i never told her where i went, she would suspect me for talking to girls whom i treat as my closest frens, she would have problems of her own at home and wen i tried to comfort her, she would just vent so much anger on me, but wats worst is that she would say she wanna break up and she will make me beg her even until the point of touching her feet (its an indian way of begging), and afta a few days she would be ok, once she said she had a new gu and that she love him alot and she wan me to go with another girl saying that she'd feel guilty if i were to be alone, but when i went with another girl and avoided her callsand messages, she then said that she love me and was jus testing my love. like what the hell!!! this ain't fair at all...
well i don't care about my ex at all..i'm happy with my bubu!!
so girls, behave properly to guys, and guys, don't give up in love at all
smilez

together forever...

i feel i'm in need, for a smile...to giv me a confidence that you're here...

i need your hands to hold me and guide me thru my darkest passages...

i wanna keep a distance with u to once again miss u...the pain that you're not beside made me tear..but that feeling dug into my well of love...that i found the pure waters of love in the end...

hurting you is like poking my 2 eyes...and wen u tear it would only make me bleed...

to keep you as happy as a princess would not be the easiest thing in this world...but making you smile everyday would be the greatest achivement in my small life..

baby i'm not gonna let u go no matter what happens...i'm not gonna say your my life...cos life equals to you plus me. you may not be the hottest or the most beautiful girl i might have ever seen...but that smile of yours is the best in this tiny planet...
you're my confidence, my milo, my diesel....i live by your love, baby lets make this world tell that we're the best..i know i have chosen the right person to be with...

cos i'm in love with you

hunnie its true...

ily berrygal...

hahaha

its 1.10am and i'm like wide awake blogging haha..and its so rare to get a connection in the hall and so yea...i was busy studying till abt 12.30 i guess...and i kinda felt bored i started making a video of my group...well i did create 1 video a year back but well the project never worked...this time i intend to make our group anniversery as big as possible...haha...my group has grown up from a group of jus 8 and a half of us (ps* the half is a small boy) to a 19 men strong group in just 2 and half yrs is like a big achievement in my oppinion...well we not aim to be the best urumi melam in s'pore...but also the longest surviving urumi melam...cos its not the way you sound but its about how of experience you have....and the experience really helped us in building till we managed to imerge champions by the 2nd urumi competiton held in singapore....and our friendshiphas lasted us for such a long time that we ave to have something to remind us of how we came together....i'm almost done with my video and i'm gonna slp now...haha

gd nite world!!!

1.20am

shes mine!!

i hope for the bettter in my future with the best girl in my life...and well she has kept up and above the expectation i hav on her...but the day which came wen i had to decide if it was her for sure....
that mrng i wen to meet my ex...she said she wanted to study...but we ended up in a fight, she nearly wanted to end her life...well i knew it was coming and somehow managed to avoid it...anyway who cares...
i walked to my boo's place...felt damn tired carrying my load, and den wen i reached her house...she jus gav me the 'can't be bothered' look...no hug, no kiss...i so knew tt something was wrong...i sat at the hall...she got food n water for me and she jus went into the room...i was like..walau...this is how u treat me arhh???....den she called me to come inside the room...i ate my food and she jus played on the com..not saying anything much...and den she took my plate and left the room...dots to dots...she was washing the plate and i kinda jus huged her from the back to see her reaction...well she was angry inside..cos i went to see my ex...but once i held her...her mind changed..
she said its warm...lets go in to my room..and den i jus entered...damn cold and dark...she kinda lyed on one side of the bed...and i was on one side...i started bullying her wen she said she dun friend my pooh...so i jus held pooh tightly...she beg so much but i didn't budge...she jus had to lick my ear and i gave up...and den we moved to her bed on the grnd...she lyed on my chest like a baby..choo cute...and den she asked....baby, i wan u to treat me like ur my wife now....
she had to ask...and the song i put on my mobile turned the heat on....and we kinda moved into the sensual side of love...not moving to the extreme...we knew our limitss....she felt so loved..kissing, scratching...but a small set back tt she didn't get to bite me...well she had left one bite for everyone to see and so i thought maybe she can bite another day...she layed on my chest, listening to my heart...she didn't feel cold, sharing the heat with me...she asked..baby, u won't leave me right???....i jus said...could u jus shut up, bloody baby...and we jus laughed...it was so much of love at that point of time that we didn't wanna leave...
but we had to...time was running...and den baby gave a cuppa ice cream...and she asked...u know its nice to kiss with ice cream...and i jus kissed with it...hahha...den she was telling me about her past life...so much of fun to listen to each other..and den...it was time to go...well
i den told myself....this girl will surely take gd care of me till my life ends...why should i bother about what people have to say about us...my friends accept her...and sooner or later my parents...i'm counting my days to wed this girl...her name is....
wil tell you soon...
until then...
chocoboy lives for berrygal
chcocboy loves berrygal
and chocoboy promises to berrygal
so berrygal is chocoboy's private property
hehehe

Valentine's Day!

this is my 1st perfect vday...i so damn enjoyed it..
well this morning was waiting for my baby to tell me the plan...but the pig never even call and tell me wat was hapening till around 12 plus..i got so pissed that i thought my day was screwed..den she msg me asking me to meet up with ravi and meet her...so i did...but wen i was alreadi completly ready jeenu was still in his stupid baniyan..naathaari....den siva jus woke up...dots to dots..jeenu and i left 1st to meet my baby and her sis...somehow they were late so me and jeenu wen around bugis till we reached waterloo jus to find blue roses...but too bad i failed...den jeenu said...dey lets wash eye till the girls come, later cannot c...jeenu jeenu!!! never change...hahah so we went site seeing and we bumped into 2 of baby's frens...well i didn't expect to see them smile at me...and again dots to dots..and again we bumped into them, at the busstop, this time we were waiting for baby to arrive...but wat ravi saw, made me and him shy and a lil angry...a whole gang of gals jus walking across the road...and boo was one of them...i was like....walau!!! its god daMN VALENTINE'S DAY!!! and den we jus decided that its not our day to be alone...but afta awhile, i didn't realise i was actually holding baby back jus to hint to the others that it was my day with her...and yea...i did show love to her infront of the others... wew went for shiesha...my 1st experience...well blade and mafia also came down and coincedently almost the rest of the gang came...well...
afta awhile.. me and boo wen for a stroll down haji lane...well it was still bright but we could feel the night life almost starting...and wat caught our eyes most was this gorgeous blue wedding gown...it was simply marvelous...like a fairytale dress...imagining my boo in it, we walked back to the shiesha stall...up the stalll there was this dark area and well u knw its curiosity....we jus went up and...we jus...showed our love....sharing the most sensual kisses, and the tightest of hugs....
our game was almost over when we saw small almost in the process in making out wit his sayang, and we had to barge in, and he was like OMFG!!! well afta awhile baby had to leave...i carried her down the stall...heheh
and den the rest of the guys continued...SHIESHA!!!! HEHE
and afta we were done.... we went walking... from arab st to lil india...accidently bumping into dad...lol...and den back to our port...(cannot reveal)...well someone had to get into some kinda situation and we had to help... big D had to drop his phone into the river and we wen to help...well it failed and we jus wen back to stadium...no loss for us...hahaha. and den the boys had a bright idea..tug-of-war...hahaha we played till abt 11.30...damn fun...hahaha and den the police had to enter the scene...we tot we were gonners...but it ended up he teaching us to play it the right way...lol...till abt 11.45..and den they jus left...and we had to disperse...well i dunno where the rest went but i went home....and den slowly the rest of the family came
11.55 mylil sis entered, drunk
12.05 my mom entered, nagging
12.30 my dad entered, drunk and noisy...
and that was the end of my valentine's day....great eh heheh

Thaipusam (part2)

afta prayers at home, left to thiban house with my family. boss drove us back...den wen i reach there, half the group wasn't there yet..!!! i was like WTH!!! then thinking of my tiredness i jus fell asleep outside the house..1 by 1 each person entered the house...atleast if they jus entered i wouldn't have mind it..but they had to wake me again and again jus to say a hello...CAN I GET SOME SLEEP HERE??? too bad...i lost it by the time the 3rd person came...slowly everything had been prepared and we left...went to teddy bear's house for a quick lunch and into the temple...jus before starting...i prayed...today we must sound the best out of all and we must not cockup, most importantly, baby must hear me sing....by the time my 2nd song i saw baby.....huppppaa!!! finally!!! and den my day continued with this happiness....was very happy with our performance...our 2nd booking was short...i jus sang 2 songs...and the kavadi bearer ended up leaving the temple in trance!!! woohoo!!!
den we wanted to play inside the weding halll thinking that we should challenge other groups...scarlly harvin come shouting at us to go to the main sanctum to play wen we were not supposed to...but wat to do, we wen and jus played tunes...and then we left te temple...
leaving the temple i saw 2 pweety babes in sari...well they were awfully tall so i din reali bother...but wat shocked me wen i pass them was their voices...i turned back to look...OMG!!! it was sandra!!! fish!!! and i was like bang bang on the wall!!! walau
slacking outside till about 7 plus we got a call, come to dhoby gaut...we left in our lorry..
dhoby gaut...
port of the indian community...
watching free dance show...
lol
we prepared ourself jus b4 the kavadi came....looking like malaysian musicians...hahaha
us and our thalappaa...singing, enjoying,dancing, hiding our instruments, people were looking at us like we were aliens...the stupids stares..some sweet smiles, some singing mouths...
all the way to tank road this happened...
jus before the entrance....everyone lined on the steps...ready for our stunt....the crowd curiosly and anxously waiting....
SRI VEAPPAMMAKALI URUMI MELATHUKKU! JAI!
VETRI VEL MURUGANUKKU!! AROOGARAAA!!!
and we started blasting...wen my bro released the banner...some idiotic fellow pulled him from the top...luckily he never fell...the guy drag him to the office while we were playing and playing...den awhile later was singing a song and the same guy shouted at me....wat is the meaning of this?? are you playing for the god in the temple or are you playing for them??? and i was like...who the fuck are you man??? look...he held my collor...i got angry for a minute and held both his arms...automatically he let go of me...i told him, we are playing for the person who ask us to play...the god inside the temple never say that i must only sing his song...there are so many other gods in this world...i do wat the people who book me ask me to do...if u have a dispute with me, we shall settle later, if u want to stop me from doing my job, i will leave it to the god inside to decide wat to do wit u...the guy turned pale and walked away...happily i singing and enjoy myself....i wonder if baby was around to see this...and den again we had a 2nd booking at tank road..we played till the tent where they remove the piercing...wen the people were removing one kavadi bearer's hooks, we were playing a fast song...the guy literally pushed everyone aside and started dancing...hahah
totally this day was quite the memorable thaipusam i had..and the 1st time i got into a fight with an official..hahah
i'm happy...
my boys are happy
the public is happy
god is also happy
tts wat i want...=)

thaipusam (part 1)

it seems like jus yesterday

thaipusam was like damn freaking fast... from 7 feb, night prayers, the nex morning we went to see the chariot procession...wah my murgan was realli hot man..haha...we went to tank rd from there moving to south bridge and then to line road...afta the procession we wen to tekka to collect all our flowers and stuff afta which we wen to collect our lorry for the nex day and den going home to prepare...the process continued till we reached temple...it seemed there was a big crowd outside temple and we couldn't go in cos of the milkpot devotees, so we waited outside, lucky my bro was outside waiting wit his chariot..things running in my mind...how am i gonna do my duty well...wat if i saw boo...how would i feel...and den she came...i was jammed for a sec...but i tried to ignore her as much cos my dad was around...seeing her...my frens ask me talk to her...i was like, shut up idiots, appa still here...well awhile later she talked to me for awhile and gav me a packet milk to giv my sis
entering the temple awhile later...we were shocked to c the emptiness in the morning compared to previous years, it would be jam packed...and than the usual rituals and prayers, poking singing...and den we left the temple..my heart started to shiver...i was hoping, i should never make a mistake. and den we started singing and dancing...but uncle was like rushing for awhile.probably the hooks on the thigh were killing him...and den reaching komalas...a random man, a fren of my dad started singing slowly...my uncle stopped walking and started dancing slowly,i was like, wth!!! i'm singing like a non-stop radio but here he is dancing for another guy's song...
afta that we continued....reaching dhoby gaut... they had changed the lanes and i was like how are we gonna pass...suddenly my uncle took the old path pushing the TP away...i was stunned...from a distance a chinese volunteer was kneeling down and crying and praying at the sight of the chariot...my uncle stoped infront of her and gav her a fruit from the murugan..how sweet..
walking towards tank road...critical part of the journey...my family members were begining to get into trance...and i wasn't able to do a shit abt it...i was like...nex time i'm not gonna come if people were gonna do this...even my dad was doing it...wa...hopefully we reached the sanctum safely except tt my sis fainted rite infront of the temple...and her milk pot fell...luckily an unknown boy, believed to be the physique of the old man inside the temple was the one who caught it b4 it fell...
one thing i noticed...boo's milk packet was tied to my pouch!! i din realise it till i reach the sanctum, with a satisfaction tt i did it for my darling, i gav it to the priest to bath the god, and they actually did the bathing for me to see wen i tot they were gonna poor into buckets....
and den i wen home with the guys
one more prayers and 1st duty was over...i a satisfied

thaipusam

guys and girls

its a very awkward wen she says all the nicest things that makes u feel that she loves u wen she doesn't know if she loves u or not.
its hard to understand a girl, really, especially when she is confused, you'll get more confused.
earning a girls love is actually tough, she could say she loves you, but at the begining itself, she'll test how much u love her. and wen it does happen, who ever the guy is, he would surely try as hard to be the sweetest thing in the universe. mistakes are made, especially guys, most guys don't admit, instead looking for someone who would shut their mouth for what ever he does, or maybe being the same useless type as the guy. but there are some who'de really have a tough time trying to earn back the love they have for their girl, cos it hurts when you have to leave someone for a silly mistake which you can change for. PATIENCE...it helps alot..waiting for her no matter what happens. thinking of her well being when she ain't around, imagining and day dreaming about the future that you're gonna have with her...its a sweet feeling.. but its hard to undertake. and sometimes its very painful when she hits him with the worst words and feelings that sometimes he does have to give up...maybe itsnot just giving up the love, but also giving up the life...some girls would be the type who would be so choosey for the best guy in this world when what love means is that it comes from inside the heart..really deep down...but there also some who wouold want to leave for the sake that they're giving up their love, be it, for someone else or for a better future, or plainly they just don't wanna love....

its an irony guys are evil but there are nice guys with an evil inside, well...girls should giv in to certain guys cos sometimes these guys are worthy of loving...some of these guys may think that they aren't just because girls wanna leave them, they should think again, they are worthy, it depends on the girl, is she willing to accpet his love or not....

some girls expect lots from their guys, well some even ask, wat can u do for me if i were to be with u...well some guys would say, i can buy you this and that, i will die for u...has anyone said that they will stand beside no matter wat happens??? i doubt so...well if he said that, then he's the real guy.
one thing that i learnt. true love comes from your family and ur beat friend..its true...i did get it. but unfortunately...shes confused right now...i dun wish to confuse her more

guys, its betta to love the one you are with fully then to love someone for the sake that she has something u need...its betta to be not loved....and girls, trust in the guy u have, they will be there to support u...but dun hurt them....it really hurts!!

chocoboy misses u!!

i miss u

i wish i could see u

i know i'm not strong but

i could hold u tight in my arms

i'm broken in the wallet and pockets but

i could get u some roses to make ur day bright

i'm tearing every minute but

i know i could smile wenever i see ur mesmering beauty

i wonder where u went

i wonder how u r

i know its just the blue sky on my mind

but all that i can see is ur love

i'm turning my head up, down and around

expecting to see u wen i pass around

well the nex few days u will see an empty road

where i used to walk

but i'll be back

once i'm done with my duties

i'm hoping to smile

i'm hoping to cry

the nex time i c u

it'll blow my mind

for how much i missed ur endless love

how i wish i could take u to the top of the mountain

to shout out loud

that you're my wife

and the mountains would chant back

to let u hear how much i love u

this is true

i'm waiting for u

be mine......

are you acting biii????

pic from deviantart.
it hurts deep inside wen a girl tells a guy tt she wants to leave him....it happens
but it hurts more wen she gets back and says tt she was jus doing it for the sadness the guy is in....
sob sob...

went to meet her yesterday...
well
thinking that it wil be the last time...i jus felt like the sickest idiot, so damn emo.
slping on the bench, walking around the park, tearing on the pond...
it hurt...
den, she came...late...well her 6+ was actually jus b4 7...haix...i knew guys would always do tt...
she sat at a distance...expected...well i was in fury...anytime could blast...so i jus talk to her in a tone i never felt i would have had ever...
afta awhile of talking...she sat beside, asked, can talk anot??
i said, ur wish, she held my hand and said sori...i jus turned away...thinking..is this for real???
i didn't expect a sorry.
and den i jus...turned happy a lil...only to end up hugging her like i always did...it felt so much betta....MUCH BETTTER!!!
playing with her around the pondo, shouting at the lizards, holding her hand and walking down the park. talking ...errr...its a lil crappy...but yea...and most importantly, tickling!!! i love to tickle the hell out of her....jus to see her wierdest reactions...
and den wen our ways, me...back hm...she...popular..

den she called and said sorry..wel it felt better afta she actually meant it....

today, well talking to her normally in the morning...and den...gone to class...and awhile ltr i went to look up her blog....its damn classy...u gotta see...she had a new entry today..
excited on wat she would have written i started reading slowly....slowly my face turned black..well if u know wat i mean...one sentenced...struck him hard down there....

"she reeli wanted to end everything, she jus told tt for the sake of making him happy!!!"

i mean...y?? if u wanted u could have told me off...but y do this....it realli hurts....i was and am still hurt...
all im left now is wit tears...pain in ur words....y r u hurting me this much...don't u really want me..didn't u hear my heart crying inside....

kaayam konda ithayam, athu kuzhanthai pola,
vaayai moodi azhumae, solla vaarthai illai...
bii...pls...don't go....pls..a plead..frm this loving sole...
sobsob
u might now knw y i ended with the cos.... in our convo...im in tears

i dunno if my anger is reasonable
i dunno y i did all this
i'm telling u i'm going mad without u.
i dunno how to write a song with pain, but i can't stop singing about u,
i tried scolding myself, my heart doesn't want to change, it doesn't wan me to leave u
u may not know the pain i feel, it is so damn real,
throwing u or burying u deep down inside, feels much as if i'm killing myself.
my tears will fade, in the rays of ur smile, the happiness that i get from ur comfort is something fruitful in my life
i'm shadowless, dn't u know tt ur my shadow, who would follow me where ever i go, watching on my every action.
i could go without food for days, cos my hunger lyes on the love u would show me...
baby i love u so much, i need u back with me...
u'll have me suicidal if u say its over...

a small note that i could think of juss to u....deep inside, this is my commandment----chocoboy will never leave berrygal...sobsobsob

ChocoboY giving up???(part3)

chocoboy was talking to his boo online...
but she started it 1st...
well she said not to plan anything for v day...
autimatically it hit on my head, something is wrong...i starightaway said....oh u going out wit ur new bf....well from then a long convo...more of a quarrel...she never understand how much i love her...i really wan her but she pushing me back to my ex...it realli hurts...so wat if i gt a god damn kid????the oni thing she will go thru is hurt bcos i hate my ex....i wan my booo....!!!!i badly miss her
i luv her
i can't live without her
i need her badly
aiyooooo
i can't stand it
i'm going mad!!!
argh

ChocoboY giving up???(part2)

a mistake,
a misunderstanding,
a misconception,

chocoboy had done something to hurt berrygal's feelings...
true...
but still berry gal did hav some love for him, for what he knew...

when he wen to meet her once afta skool, he was really frustrated, how could you not tell me that you're meeting my frens??
dun say its a last minute thing, whats the phone for?
he wanted to forget about it, for love's sake, he tried he best to control, even said he wasn't mad at her, though it came out once inawhile...
but when berrygal left she said something hurting, well maybe he might have heard it wrongly
go, go, your girlfriend waiting for u!!

for peet's sake....she ain't my gf or wife!!! thats wat his heart said...

afta that....at night he called her to say that her fren was on tv...she sounded damn freaking dull
he wanted to know her feelings...so he asked what the problem was...
ntn, fite at hm..
he replied her, bi y u fite for ma...keep cool...
she replied, dun call me bi la...i will fite for all i want....how hrting could that have been...broken, he cried, cried and cried...but not a single sound came out of his mouth, not 1....in the end, all he said was, im sorri bi.....


nex morning..presentation day...yayayay!!!
dress up, look like some business man, he wanted to show her how he looked...he always wondered on his own, is this me?? im not the handsomest guy in this planet den y am i admiring myself?? formoment he felt damn gay....lolx
on the way with his mom to somewhere out, he msg...hey is ur mom hm? do u wana meet me awhile? i'm at ... den she replied, im out...
he jus thought to himself...wats wrong?? wat did i do?? y is she like avoiding me this much??
aww well, shes in her path, so he didn't want to be a pest to her...he jus kept to himself...

at skool, he met jean danker, OMG she was damn hot in a purple formal tube, he again wondered, i always had a dreamsofmy baby dressing up well coming out with me, would she like dress up like this for me atleast once....

guys have alot of dreams wen they get a girl but it jus so happens that girls sometimes would want to be the simplest of all...well my boo , even without makeup is the beautifullest of everything in my eyes...i wonder how she captured this heart of mine....

chocoboy misss berrygirll tonnes and tonness.....

a guilt inside.....

like a rose wilting and dying that i hav turned ur heart into
i trampled over the most fragile part of ur body, and u thought i didn't know it.

you thought i felt the same as you, smiling at you, holding you by your side, standing up for you.
i did lift your spirit...

maybe its the 1st time someone did it for you, you felt beautiful inside cos i made you feel that way...
never have i wanted to betray you or leave your side..

but reality hit you...am i the same as others? or is it just me? who am i to blame? jus the plain old me...

lifting the weights in your heart is something special that i would do for you...but being the biggest weight for you will be the largest guilt inside of me, sorry that i betrayed you.....

i'm sorry....lovess...sobsss...

a song....

unn nenjamae

yen sonthamae,

ondraai saernthu

vaazhnthirupom.

thanimayilae

naan azhugindrain

thunai ondru

illaamalae.....

vaanathilae pala nathchathirangal

angu aayiram jolikindrana....

manam naada oru oli illaiyae

yen vaazhkaiyum jolikalayae

tpy vattaarathil oruthiyai naan kandaen

parikoduthain naan parikoduthain

yen manathai parikoduthain

yen kanmaniyae

i love you

yen kaathaliyae

i need you

nee manathai tharuvaayaa

illai maraithu povaayaaa....

shame on me!!!

how could i have suspected u?? did i??? all i wanted was to speak with you but the way i did it was totally an unforgivable way...well now i'm a cheat, a untrustable person, a basturd, a CB!!
i wanted to be a clear route to ur path, but now i've become an obstacle. i dunno who u love, wat u want, where u wish to go, i'll leave u in ur own way and be standing in a corner, watching u move away, or maybe moving on....i feel ashamed of myself.
wat hav i done under the name of love...never hav i done for u anything...but now my true colour, i guess, has shown itself...i'm pure evil, i'm not a good person, i don't deserve to be loved, i dunno...this is how i feel about myself, i dunno if u still do love me but, wat i have done can never be forgiven...and even if it was...it will never be forgetten...thats how much i have affected your life...if u really think u want me..i'll be here, if u don't then its ur wish, who u want to choose...after all u have done things that even i don't and u made those choices on ur own accord, who am i to interfere in your choices...afterall, its your life....sob sob...i'm sorry..so lonely..mr.lonely...i have no body, to call my own....

ChocoboY giving up???

frm the 1st day of the year, chocoboy and berrygal hav been working very hard to keep up with their love for each other, facing so many problems and humiliations...so much to here from berrygal that she wants him to go away out of a sudden wen he is her life...

y did berrygal do such? chocoboy doesn't understand, well, a little. but, ever since berrygal began to move away, chocoboy had been upsetting himself, thinking of the stupidest ways to end his life...atleast so that berrygal would understand that chocoboy was willing to giv his life to be with her, no doubt, berrygal had done the same, hurting herself in the name of upset and stress...

one night chocoboy really couldn't bear the pain he was having from his chestpain, he gave up!!!
for a few minutes his world turned darker than night, only to see the weirdest of things he never imagined....the undead!!! everywhere!!! how is this possible?? is he dead?? maybe... but the fright of that night told him that his end is coming soon in some way but he has so much to achieve...wat is he going to do???

5am...

he got back t0 his senses...well at that point he jus fainted out of fear to remember the things he had seen...

arnd 9am...

a call...
he answered...he was so sick he didn't even knw who he talked to...after awhile he msg berrygal, and she said she was the one who called...he was too weak that he didn't wanna go to school for his exams...all berrygal said was," do u wanna let u parents down again?"
the nex minute he got up to go to skool..
everytime he think of wat he told berrygal, he jus scolded himself infront of the mirror, how could u??? she means so much to u, but u asked her not to talk to u...how would she feel???
but chcocoboy thoght,...if a girl is moving away from u, that means she wants u to try to get closer..but wats there in forcing a girl for love wen she wants to move away?? chcocoboy always wanted his little one to grow up under his eyes, but now already she can't recognise him, how would she accept him...
den wat can he do? both sides wanna push him away...then there isn't a point in chcocoboy to change and live... right?? he loves berrygal so much...but berrygal doesn't want him...only tears hav lasted...chcocoboy was never meant to be loved...no one wants him....no one needs him...will he giv up?????

NO!!!!

he will wait till his last breath for berrygal to accept him once again....he will study for the sake of his father's condition....he isn't a weakling...he can prove his love...he can do it....he will..he must!!!!

~chcocoboy loves berrygal tonnes~

its just that way...

sometimes your loved one would ask lotsa things jus to impress her, sometimes she'd ask you to sacrifice things for her...maybe even your life for her....but if ever there was a time where u had to sacrifice ur love for her...to go to another gal, well, don't ever do it....FOR PEET'S SAKE!!!
u should be the most luckiest guy in this world to hav her.
wat i've gone thru is somewhat the same, an ex, a kid, and a beautiful girl,who would do anything for m happiness,
well i had trouble wen myex began to change into a person whom i wanted her to be a long time ago. and wen i told my boo abt it, she said,"giv her a chance, go back to her, be with your kid, she needs you"....
i can do anything, its my wish, my life, but if i were to go back to the one who hurt me the most and almost destroyed my life then i'll be only betraying my consions, the will that i must become someone in life, to show her and her parents that i am not useless. thats a bet she put to me...and now my boo wants me to leave, after doing so much,knowing alot more about each other.

GIRLS OUT THERE!!! PLEASE DONATE BLOOD TO THE NEEDY PATIENTS!!! DON'T WASTE IT BY CUTTING!!!

she cut her hand, she beg me to leave, but her heart was so filled with me, she tried to make me hate her, well, i have serious anger management problem which she didn't know. i could always say the meanest of things to hurt, but....is that how a lover is supposed to behave towards the one he truely loves???NO!!!! every single feeling, i burried into bottom of my heart, never to take it out, i still love her and i dun wish to go anywhere away from her....
BI!!!I LOVE YOU SWEETYKINS!!!DON'T GO!!!!

grandpa...i miss u

its been sometime since i blogged, well, this time i felt like blogging abt my grandpa
one of the best grandparents i had in my life
someone very knowledgable and creative
someone who never had the kinda normal behaviour others would hav


here goes...

ramasamy..
he worked in a power station..
he had passion for art and electronics
he was an inspiration to me venturing into the arts and engineering world
he had so many gizmos and thingamajigs that even his children would understand how they worked...
a very gd photographer and camera-man
he made my 1st bday video...with bday songs instead of people talking
he never bought for me anything but he would always giv me useful stuff in his room full of junk
haha...
he would always come back after work, make a bowl of curry and take a stack of bread...thats his life...he would die for it
he always walked to the busstop and back home very fast...he loves to go walking
and after work, he would sit in his room, fixing his electrical stuff...
he loved to go to shopping malls for window shopping and everytime he did, he would always come back wit something...
wenever he comes to my place, he would never knock the door,
he will shout once he comes out from the lift.."KUM-RAN"
hahaha
he would always buy french loaf for us....
and he had the loudest and weirdest sneezing..haha
he always bullied my sis cos of her long hair...Mudiya pudichi sevuthula adikanum...which means must pull the hair and slam the head on the wall...
thaathaa thaathaa

the last time i spoke to him was the day before he died...i asked him to help me solder somethings for my dnt project
the nex day after skool i was bringing my project over to his place den i got a call from mom
he passed away
i was like....projectuku help pannurainnu sollittu heavenula poi uttkarthutiyae thaathaa!!!
haix

as time passed, everyone sort of forgot my grandma but some of us would still go over to her place to hav a glance on the things that she kept in his rememberance
and den..
one fine day
grandma said she was clearing his things, for good!!
and on that day itself i went over to take some of the things that she had
nuts and bolts, wires, tools, multimeters, art stuff, i even took a disco light he made a long time back...
these things were not only for my gd use but to remember that he's still with us...
so yea..
one day i wish to be like him...someone who would make an impression in everyone's heart
.....

bi......

something for u bi, tt i wish to giv u soon

you stole my heart...it realli freaking hurtz alot....but there is a small happiness in me tt someone owns my heart....

chochoboi does hav fears too....=(

well, berrygal had been telling chocoboi abt her fears

she tot he was still standing strong, like he had no fear of anything...

but...

chocoboi did hav fears, abt berrygal and others

~ wat if berrygal were to hav found a better guy, think that chocoboi was sometimes ignorant n thinking of his own stuff

~wat if she suspected on chocoboi's behaviour towards other girls. is he truthful to her or not..

~ wat if she were to not like his character, he did hav many bad habits but he cut down on everything for her happiness

~ wat if she found that chocoboi was actually a boring person, like an old man, not handsome or muscular, didn't hav time for her

~ wat if chcocoboi wasn't gd at skool n gt kicked out, she might not like a person who wasn't so educated

~ wat if chocoboi's frens n family didn't accept her, neither did her parents accept him



all this sorta made chcocoboi think too much abt if he was really her MR.RIGHT...

he reallly really love her down to earth and over to heaven...
he is also human, he needs his freedom.
but he would never do a single thing to betray berrygal's trust....

chocoboi returnzz!!!

days hav passed...time has flied...
but my love had not faded...

i miss my baby booo choo much..
well, her bday jus ended...
sadly i couldn't be wit her on that day...
had so mucha plans...to bring her out, spend some quality time, bring her for lunch n ice-cream, take her to the movies, n at the end of the day, buy her blue roses to propose to her to...marry me, hehe, n den a long kiss under the moon light...

every guy's dream to make his loved one feel like a princess,
but unfortunately, i'm fasting, she is too,
well its ok, we can get back again sooner or later.

1 month ago, i bought this anklet, dholphins n bells, sounded very nice.
today i wanted it to be surprise, to put it on her ankle wit my own hands, but she...
screaming like someone wanted to rape her, funny character,
well she loves it...i'm happy

i got so mucha dreams wit her, i wanna do so much wit her, will the day come??
i hope so
cheekybunny lauves babyboo
chocoboi kisses berrygal
kekex
i love u chellam

high life...

loved ones really make my day everytime...
it jus happens that wen i try to make people happy, they get happier den wat i expect...
especially wen its wit my lovable boo....
the only thing i do to her is to hug her to make her feel comfortable and keep it silent wenever i can...thus, she becomes much more happier den i am and makes my day always...
once i wen to meet her b4 skool...during her break...i jus sat down beside her and hugged her...expecting her to cry for how she had been feeling...
but she never cried wenever i was with her...she always smiled and made me smile...and b4 i kknow it, i'm deeply romancing wit her...
we even spent a time lying down and she would jus tickle the hell outta me...and i'm like moving like a snake...wiggling here and there...but shes more sensative..whereeva i touch her she would wiggle...and her kisses are like one step above heaven....my tongue does get swollen but it jus doesn't seem to stop me from kissing her again and again...weneva shes shy she would realli tug into me and fill me wit love....well we never had anything more than romancing...but we do wana get married...i intend to giv her a life time full of love and care...
to move into the sexual world is another thing cos sometimes sex would mean only infatuation..but afta marriage, sex will be a bonding to move to a life of having kids, showing them the love we shared...
in my life i hav had a time which went realli high, till i even had it wit a girl, but in the end she proved to me that she had been in love jus bcos she didn't hav frens and she didn't get family love, she bought things for me without asking, i did accept somethings..but i didn't feel the love wen she began to force me to meet and talk over the phone and msg every day till she slps..not till i slp...
but baby boo had been the best of frens wit me, knowing head to tail abt me and understanding wat i had been looking for...true love comes from ur family and best frens...and she realli realli gav me alotta happiness in this short while being wit her as her guy....this is wat i call an ideal love life!!! being wit ur best fren is the most understanding love in this world...
i wish to be wit my babyboo forever...she gav me the best relationship a man could get...
ily baby!!!!

failure. jus one step away from success

today was o level result....

and boo was to recieve hers today...

i was blowing and blowing and blowing outta tension...

thinking wat might the outcome...will she fair well 0r jus....

i called and callled and called

but she wouldn't answer

after lesson she called...

32!!!

and i was like," are u joking"

den she called from her place...

this time she was crying....and i was like

omg...

she was like, this is the end...wat is family gonna think of me...

wat r my frens gonna say??

everyone is gonna look down on me again...

i tried consoling but she wouldn't budge..

she even said she was a total failure and she rather end her life....

is this the way failures behave....

maybe i did

i got 28...seriously...it sucked!!!

i concentrated al the time studying...i tried all my best but i turned to hav jus gone down the drain...my whole sec skool life, i sucked...i never did well until the final yr papers

wel this is wat i said to her, and i hope people out there who are in the same situation should also understand my point...

failure ain't the end of the world....no one is a born failure, unless if their really stupid.

and surely no one is...

if u keep regretting and crying, den u can never move to the nex level...

stop crying and think of the nex move...there are millions of people at even a wrost state than u r...

its ultimately ur life....u can be studying under ur parents' money but...

in the end its ur life. u live for ur future...there are people working and studying at the same time. and one day or another they will surely make it..

i wen for a motivational talk once by adam koo during my sec skool life...he said he was a failure once. but he still came up in life and started his own business to help students understand tt there is something everyone can achieve from their failures

ur parents can cry for all they want...tts their feelings...u hav to stay strong and giv them the assurance that u can still do it...only u can decide ur future...

are u living a life for urself or others?? u don't owe a living to anyone except ur parents for the amount of hardwork, sweat and shame they had gone thru to bring u up...and this is not the way u r gona treat them...by crying...NO!!!

u hav to continue...u hav to work harder....u must show everyone that u can do it

so yea...ppl reading this...understand...its ur choice...whether u wana end ur life or u wanna end ur failure...

as for my baby boo...she will understand...i knw shes capable of something better...i never lost hope in her..she will make it..

gd day frens!!!=)

i wan a life with u

good morning world.
well its a day i had been afraid to face..my boys were to talk abt the problems tt i was having wit my girl...i wonder why they trust her this much.but i jus hope they will understand my feelings wen i do talk to them..

so yea...
morning wen to temple...prayed tt my baby should pass her o levels very welll
then there was this guy who approached me outta nowhere....
he said i had the eyes of a tiger...i was like,"huh?? wat u talking??"
and den he told everything tt i was facing...inch by inch...and he said he saw a theyjas tt showed tt i wil succeed...well afta tt i jus wen home...thinking whether all this was true...inever really thought abt myself...and today someone randomly talks to me abt this..waaah
who knows..god may hav his ways

den come back home had a big cuppa coffee...sux nowadays....even though i love coffee
maybe its jus the way i make it...
den was watching this movie abt this couple, who loved each other...but one day they met and talked abt their future,...the guy hadn't a life...the girl was studying
the guy decided tt he will come up to the level of the girl's father...and the girl will study vry hard and succeedin life....till then they wil never meet or talk...but they cried and smiled to each other's picture which they had with them...in the end both of them succeeded in life...but they still waited till their parents accpeted their love..and finaly they got married..and guess wat..the time frame they seperated was 2 yrs..
i was like...OMFG!!! its almost my life..shooot!!!!
i jus hope my baby would never forget me...and wait till this 2 yrs end..and i'm praying damn hard tt she should pass her o levels..
and i hav to get a job soon...i'm so damn broke.....i had a big dream tt i must make my parents retire early cos i wanna take care of them with my care and love and support them in my money...i wan them to sit at home and rest like king and queen...so much of dreams in my mind...
i wish it will all come true....


practice session....
starting foo...all like thunder..my thavil was like suddenly very loud...but wenever Gino play...like got no point playing know..my thavil does wonders....hehe
and den the singing and alll but suddenly...
tt fat ass came....wit kapi...like wth!!! and kapi holding baby....
welll baby looked very cute like small princess...but t idiot realli realli turn down my day by her sight...y does she hav to stick wit my group...y did she hav to come there at all..
afte 2 hrs they left and i was like..finally!!!

on the way bac i saw a msg from kutty boo.....periya boo fainted...and i called.,...she said tt periya boo had been crying the whole day...and den she was talking to her god mom and suddenly she jus fainted.den kutty boo said she was brought to hospital...and i was like,"which hospital???? can i go see her pls????? maybe wen her parents aren't arnd???"
den she msg me saying tt instead of being admitted shes staying at her aunty's place...
so den i felt abit better...

den i rushed home to go temple cos today was a full moon and there was a prayers to attend to...
and den there was this guy, ganesan, from ruthrasakthi, who was a temple volunteer....and he ask me," bro...arrh, are u able to carry the god pallakku???"
and i was like...to god's grace..yay!!!
and den they gav me to carry murugan...waaaa...so happy...there was also ayyapan and angalaparameswari...
half way thru the temple i was dieing...the perso infron of me was so damn short..alll the weight sit on me..
den there was this guy who asked tt shorty if he could manage...and tt fellow said tt he was suffering...doesn't he know he is short and i'm supporting his weight too????
wayang la...luckily a big size guy came infront and took all my weight until we wen out of temple...tt guy change wit a thin man....and i suffered a worst pain ever...luckily we wen in and put the palaku bac...

afta the prayers my parents wanted to walk home..but i was alreadi feeling damn sick....
and den i msg my baby how she was feeling and all...she said she saw her soul going up...like wth!!!
y is she so like this???? i cried tilll i reach boon keng ....and she was like, how much can a human suffer...well in this world everyone is suffering...no matter how big our problem is there is something bigger out there...
well i talked to her nicely and she sort to feel better again....
reaching home i met muru and some other boys and den i said tt i was thirsty since morning never eat and drink...and mani took a guiness stout long can..well for the hurt and upset i had inside i would hav drank...but for my babyboo's sake i never touch it and left home...and den baby msg me asking for some romantic lines..it had been sucha long time since i msg her such things...and wen i did, she felt much better..shes happy i'm also happy...
i love my babyma!!!!