Left alone??...

felt like talking about the relationship i have with others...how do feel wen u see ur frens not being close with u animore..not talking to u, well once in awhile or maybe not at all...i miss all of them...i wonder why my boys are showing me so much attitude nowadays...well nt so much of an atitude but more like a 'not interested'. my angel, she jus has to always give excuses tt shes going out with others we she knws me for 4yrs...i like so sad...wenever i called her for a movie, she'd jus say shes planned to go for the movie with someone else..n afta tt tellin me the story...shalinee wen missing, i wonder why she did, but i know shes still active in her own ways though she said she had exams, but well i miss her alot, ALOT cause she was the 1st to knw hw passionate i was in love...n if nt for me, i think she wuldn't hav continued skooling, instead moving overseas...one caring frend she was... den my god sis dhurga..she really 4gt me!!! the clique she is with are my old buddies but i guess they themseleves dun tell me anything abt her....but she found her love alreadi n im sure tt was a big reason for her disappearance...she culd even tell her mom tt i didn't msg or call her wen i did but she didn't reply...isn't tt right akka??? my brother navan...oh my gosh!! u've been missing alot lately...boy he was the most closest of frens with me since secondary school, though i knw him in primary school...i had lunch almost everyday at his place with him on his bed...i slack with him for recess...we sit together for every lesson...in poly we were in the same course for 1 yr den we seperated,however we got back thru dance sport...gosh i loved it alot man...we were the only guys dancing together and veri well like couples...well im the girl and he's the guy and the teacher would always say tt i was more graceful than the other girls....hahaha all bcos he was there to enjoy with me...but ever since yr 2. he disappeared now and then...once inawhile we see in the bus...now, even tt doesn't happen...only in average, twice a month i see him...how awful wuld this be...

im so sad tt these beloved frens are missing in action in my life....plese come back guys!!!

peace?

life goes on as usual,

school, prayers, bubu, friends, my pops n mommykins

but there jus one thing tt i cant seem to find, y cnt i find peace???

wherever i go, i dun feel a peace of mind

at school, stressed about lesson, too cold environment; sometimes i seriously wish they had off the air-con, walking here and there during breaks without an aim, no one to actualy study with..

at home, always seeing the same 3 faces, have to do the house work on my own wen my stupid sis always sits on the computer jus chatting, friendstering and now facebooking too, dad coming home drunk almost every night even though he's aware of his health condition, mom always looking emo;wonder why, and yes the prayers i do at hm; they don't seem to help me gt peace most times...

go out, haha, i cnt even go out, its like im in army, and skool is like im booking out and going home or something...

somehow, i jus wish i culd find that peace...help me

its been some time...long i guess

well it hass been a long time...since i blogged...
many things happened...my ex, HER, my family and friends

start with my ex 1st,
she wants a maintance, she doesn't want me, but shes been going around talking to my friends to try to get me back to her, she used her so-called aunt to threaten my girl to leave me, she tortured me previously by blackmailing over the phone, n yet she msges me that she wants to continue to be a GOOD FRIEND to me...
why is she so fickle-minded??? i don't know..she really spoiled my life, she spoiled my reputation, i lost some of my best friends, my parents nearly abandoned me...why???

now about HER,
i've got alot to say here...
wel for the past few weeks, haven't been speaking to her well, stressed over my ex, and also angry sometimes about the things she says and does, i dunno if she really does love me, she put on her blog that i m onli claiming that i love her, which means shes meaning that i'm acting, isn't it?? everytime she fell sick, i cried to my alter, why is she falling so sick, pls takecare of her...but there she is thinking that im nt caring....yes, sometimes im speaking like i'm not bothered...but no one knows whats hapening to me...sometimes i really dunno y but my mood swings are so bad i jus tend to show it to her in other ways....i wen out once with my godsis without telling her once, its my fault, i shud hav told, but y suspet me,....i dedicated once to my godsis a song on her fb...for that also she suspected...was tt wrng...she wrote on her fb,"he's interested in another girl, seems he is"....why was that so??? if someone did see, wat would they have thought of me?? playboy?? timer?? she went out with her godbro and fren for a movie which she promised me weeks before to go for....end up i never went for it...i seriously had no mood, why promise me in the 1st place? and if she really did love me, why did she not ask her whoever to watch another movie instead?? it shows how much importance and influence they have in her life more than i do... after all i came after them...obviously theres lesser importance.for me....this is not all, i go down for cycling and its wrong if i didn't tell her, well she doesn't tell all the time if she were going down,...but i jus started my cycling regime so it didn't sem so important, but for that she complained...yes, sometimes i am revengeful but i don't test love, last night she did...she said gd nite...and i also replied gd nite, thinking she might be a lil angry with me...so i tot let her msg me properly in the mrng..but wat happened was that she msg me saying that she was checking if i said 'i love u' in my msg to her, n tt she purposely didn't say it...y???y test my love like this???i cried....!!! i cried so much, it was jus the same feeling that my ex gave me wen she said she acted that she was with another guy, when she really was(eventually i found out)...y is it that im at fault, and she takes the blame and im made to feel guilty, or on the other hand, tested if my love was true or not??? am i supposed to like giv my llife to shw my love?? or leave everything just for her??? i seriosuly dunno!!!


nw for my family...
they hurt me, remind me of my past, at the same time encourage me to study welll, support me needs nw and then...why are they also fickle minded??? my sista is neva a gd person tho trust...shes onli 16 and she has 6 ex-bfs....like WTH!! and wen i ask her she jus tells me on my face that im no betta than her for me to advice her...im like so pissed...and i just don't knw wat to do abt all this...

my friends....wel one by one...they have seperated....left are my boys.. of them are away...the rest....i guess they're suporting my ex...i dunno who to trust as a gd frend..to share my hurt..to cry my pain out..
i began this blog as heroes of life, thinking im also a hero...but i guess im jus a woos...haix

wat a fool i was

and i thought i was making a mistake in my life,
my ex had been troubling mr some time back that i was having another girl and she said she was just acting that she had another guy...
and afta so many days i actually discovered that she had been the one having another guy...wat a girl...and she could even call him baby wen he was only with her for 2 weeks acording to her...or maybe more...she had been having all the guy friends to find a guy who could appeace her love satisfaction...i guess i did the wrong thing with the wrong girl...i regret now for watever had happened...even my girl was so much more understanding than my ex...never had i had the trouble to be pushed around by her....welll shes a gd girl who knws hw to behave...but nt myex...i hated the 2nd half of thetime i was with her..i was practically loosing my interest in education because of her...i had to fetch her from skool everyday like some watchman....like wth....and sometimes i had to even go home as late as 9...her mom troubled me if she had gone missing and i had to go look for her...i dunno y she did this to me...but i guess i have escaped all the torment...and here i am now...a new life..much happier...much more controlled and disciplined....yay!!!!
i hate tt fatttyy!!!

x-men, angels and demon

wen for movies on 2 saturdays...so slack...hahah
1st few times i ever had the chance to watch movie premires at late night
and u knw even though it was crowded, it was so quite and cold....felt so peaceful...
haha
x-men...not so bad actually...hahaha
its quite interesting to know that a big reason for the x-men to be formed was because of wolverine or logan...and his wife in the movie was so hot man hahah

as for angels and demons...
i can't say anything..it has everything in it...except love...
and solving this kinda mystery isn't an easy task...
but the murders were really nicely planned..it wonderous how the director had beautifully portrayed the way each father was murdered...the most classis murder was at the church of the angel of fire...the father was tied to chains and hanged like being crucified and benches and other furnitures were burning under him...overall its one of the best movies i have seen.

=)

Back to the past....


i can still remember, kindergarten graduation
my 1st dance, mukkaala mukkaapulaa, haha, i dunno who i danced with but i can remember it was a girl, cowboy caps were fashion statement at that era.
and then, hmm, oh ya, chinese dance, wearing the cap with the pony tail...so cute haha
miss kamala, a very close teacher whom even now i can relate to...shes the sweetest, never scolds us, except for shalu, the mess of the class with the cheeky, big smile always kenna for messing up her uniform during painting sessions...and oh ya, my 1st fight, with dax singh, bloody bangalah!!! injure me for nothing, still got the scur on my thigh. n then bus uncle seelan and narayanasaamy n rukkmani aunty..now all grow old they can't even see well...so sad so sad

den primary 1, my 1st bday with skool frens at my place, and seriously non of them were indian, all were chinese wearing glasses who came from the same family, the guns...
being in primary skool brings back all those memories with the teachers, expecially bcos of our tamil teacher, i can't remember her name but shes a muslim, n she was the 1st to send me back home with a lipstick mark direct from the lips...so swit hor...hahah
den mrs sim, our scout head, so thin like bamboo but act damn fierce lor...hahaha...and den the botanical garden, cos we love to catch tadpoles and spiders, using tamakuchi capsules and beeboo dragon drink bottles...haha n that was the 1st place i saw a black cobra at just 2 meters range..the only setback i had was to not earn my scout arrows wen i was jus 1-2 taskes away from earning them..haix

and den secondary skool...so damn hactic sial...new environmant, teachers more fierce, harsh rules, wearing tie on mondays, slightly longer hours of lessons...but the longest memories i had was in sec skool...will blog more on my nex post...=)

TO OR NOT TO...

sometimes i just wish i could trust you forever, but
something bothers me..

when ur silent, many thoughts run in my mind,
where u r, what ur doing, with whom u r,

after you spilled the beans, for once i thought you might change...
but even then there were things you didn't tell, till i found out...

maybe its my fault for being too concerned, that i'm barging into your privacy...
or maybe i'm suspecting you, its yours to decide.

but why hide when u want to change?
so should i just step aside from ur personal?

some way or another, i'm not letting you in ur ways,
but why be afraid of me?

for once, i'll let you have your ways, if you think ur right.
i'm not giving up on you, i'm just giving you freedom..

afta all i'm just....
sorry...for everything...