realisation of the divine

jus as i was praying the other day with my uncle, i asked him many questions...
who is god??
why do we have so many gods???
wat do we get in praying to every single one??
if god is god, than y so many features??y not jus one figure??
all my uncle said was...
son, u hav alot to learn, i learnt it the hard way, i could teach you everything and answer all ur questions..but it would be much more fruitful wen u get the right answers on your own...
now, i've begun the quest to answer every question in my mind and heart...
if anyone is wiling to share..do send me comments to this entry and the other entries on this in future..
god is only 1 for everyone!!

some people really need to fall to learn their lessons

I'd been seeing loads of youths...studying for the sake of their parents' sake, not for a better future, especially our indian community. relationships have become a common site. frenship that has even lead to formation of secret societies are also obvious. why?? hav youths really become ignorant about education, since it has become such an easy and simplified form to digest to earn a diploma or degree, or is it just the youthful mind??

in my life of education, i've been very weak, from primary school till i got my o levels, my mother pushed me all the way, under her guidance i studied ery hard, sometimes i did let her down with failure, but still i got average results and survived thruout in express stream. but ever since i had started my diploma course, complacency had become part of me, taking everything easy failing test wasn't a big issue,but repeating modules were.leaving class to slack with frens, go out with my girl, all this had pulled me down. some of my frens, eve indians would as me, why can't you jus juggle your time after school or even weekends and put your full force during studying time??? well nw i understand, i hadn't been putting my concentration on my educaion cos there wasn't a strong will power in what i was doing. scared to make the nex move, afraid of who might leave me nex, especially my girl...but as time passed, i understood, when i stay strong, thats wen i will not be afraid who's here and who's not, thats wen i can successed, i knw there are a hand full of people right behind to suport me when i ain't strong, but if i keep myself strong, thats when they wil also think that i'm worthy to support them. i left my ex long time back, y? she had been pulling me down, she did not give me the strength to successed, she made me feel unsecure . but when i decided that i shud get over her n move towards my goal, i seriously worked, though, i did get another love, my bestie, a dream come true, y? true love would come from your family and a true fren, and she gave me that security, she gave me the comfort a gd fren would whole-heartedly give, she gave the strength a wife would give her husband, yet she herself had been also doing the same as wat i did during my skool times, obviously everyone would, but, even after i say about what i have gone thru, i expect her, well, everyone to learn a lesson from it....it may be a small thing, but it sure helps alot...

a few instances, she had gone out to meet her frens, i'm not saying its wrong , but, when you can spend it wisely on your exam prep or jus simple revision, y go out??? especially during the pre-exam period??? i did, and i suffered, much worst results...i dun expect anyone else to become like me...

medicine may taste bitter, but the outcome is always sweet,
working hard like ants thruout summer, auttum and spring will build the strongest shelter during winter..
this is wat i have learn wen i fell, dun fall, learn from the mistakes of others..
everything here is for good, dun take it wrongly,
=)

lets role! vroom vroom..or more like cycles..hehe

tdy was a day seriously i had never expected to be this tired...
a very mind blowing experience afta a long time...
mrng...met my close fren, we went to east coast...well m plan was jus to check on the prices to book bicycles for nite cycling, and so we wen to the 1st store...den my fren suggested we shud rent a bike for easy accessibility...andso we took a doubles...we went up to 4 stores to check the price..and well...we were jus cycling around...and den....i was jus thinking...shall we track the route for my event....we took of our shirts off and started cycling from east coast to our 1st destination..changi...well it was a long route..cycling pass a buncha white hot chics...hehe(someone's turning red, kekex) and den a lon straight road...about 3km i guess..and den behind the airport...watching planes fly above us...and den a garden area..well it looked like a deserted path(best place to bring a girl to have a romantic private night,heheh)....passing SAF ferry terminal...haha...and den we reach changi....and one lady asked us i a loud tone."mana baju"...and i said "thada machik"...hahah and den at one point we got stuck at changi village..we did a trial and error...passed ramar temple...pass changi airbase...pass loyang sithi vinayagar temple and reached pasir ris...wat a relief...getting close to our end point..pass sun plaza park and den we reach a point of total tiredness..both of drinks had finished.. we passed TP...well the reason to jus show off our hot bods..hahaha too bad din hav one...and den we changed our route thru bedok park connector...our end was almost nearing....we passed this primary skool....so cute the kids ..but wen they saw us, they were like...OH MY MUMMY!!!...one girl went....eeeee, naked man!!!!
hahaha
so cute know...and den detours after detours, passing NEWater plant and a long stretch 4 kmm long...passing another camp....i 4got what place it was...and den finally..underpass!!
yay!!
into east coast, past outward bound, all the way to coastal bicycle rental...we were totally shagged like wet dogs..haha..the shop owner look at us like we were terrorists....lol asked us to pay $10 more and den we jus left..damn fun la the route....passing by people and randomly saying hello! some were jammed, some smiled, some even replied..hahaha
well i'm ready for another round..cos i'm actually organising a night cycling event...hope to get as much as 30 fit people to bring alone..yay!!!
approximately 40 km in 5hr 35mins....yea....
smilessszzz!!!

humiliation

today i had nvr felt busier den ever...morning i got up at 5.30...got ready and left with my dad n my sis to tample...it was my uncle's wedding..and well...i felt that it was gonna be the most hactic daY EVER!!... dots to dots..

talking to my cousins n my frens...meeting all my relatives who didn't even rmbr tt it was me...yea...it was feeling like MY DAY...

wedding over...back hm...the bride and groom came home with their families...i jus left cos i was supposed to tie statue for chariot prayers near my place..with my bro's help, i managed to do it with all the best i can..

done and over at the tentage...my uncle n his boss were making thoranam and well...me n my bro were to collect some things from my dad's store and....dots to dots...deco doing in the process...familiy enters...frens enter and leave...

and this new guy, karthik who was my uncle's new fren was introducing himself to me...i felt he was a lil gayish but he was very nice towards me....and well he even said he wanted to meet up wit me...welll to help me in my drawing business and well i said ok as we stayed in opposite blocks, not knwing each other for very long...

dots to dots...deco almost done...my uncle was looking at my statue..and well he had his comments but i wasn't arnd to hear it...i did my own work cos it was getting late...and den he asked a question...

wat flower did u order for the statue???

for a sec i was jammed cos i totally forgot afta hactic weeks of work... n i said i nvr order, no moni...

and suddenly... a slipper jus flew but missed me and everyone was laughing at me...like wtf!!!

jus for not ordering i get humiliated...and for peet's sake, all the fundings were collected by me this yr...up n dwn blocks....food also i decided wat to put for people....performance on another side giving problem even though i arranged it...and my father goes arnd stressing me n bossing me arnd... n now this...no one except my fren's dad appreciated the amount of effort i had been putting to make this a successful function...y r people making use of me n jus humiliate me...

this isn't right...!!!

i can't hit him back...but im not tt kinda person...but my own mother laughed at wat had happened instead of confronting him for doing such a humiliating thing...somemore in public!!!

i jus wished there was someone who be out there to listen to the hurt in me...n make me feel cooled..

hunnie, where r u wen i really need u???

evil, emo or plain seeker youths???

jus wondering wats youth life about, and well, this thought came,

are youths evil inside or are jus seeking attention or plain emo??

1 type of youth i come across, are those under depression,

they love to cut, i hate the sound of pen knives n blades

they say it relieves their stress...they use the term shiok...

and the look of it is seriously irritatiing...u can feel the pain in urself u urself would tear..

some are somewhat, psycos, well, the love failers, the overly depressed ones, who are at the vurge of commiting suicide, eg. sitting on the railings or parapets of blocks, over drinking with panadol, finishing one whole packet of unprescribed medicine...dot dot dot....all jus bcos they're stress or hav failed in something, like love...

the 2nd type i've seen are the make-up ladies who love to cam-whore, wateva tt is...

eye liner, eye shadow, blush, foundation, and a milllion more cosmetics..not to forget, dyed hair, revealing clothes, and the stockings, n the designer heals...and theres many more from where that came from...and the most important aspect, CAMERA PHONE!!!!

all these, to show the fake side of beauty over the net....like COME ON!!!

and the last type are the ones who 'play'....well a term that means, having a few bf n gf at 1 time..

its so weird how u cud show the same amount of love to every person u r attached to, at the same time..!!! and some youths, aware that their partner is doing this, can still say, i'll let do what you want as long as in the end your're still with me...

i mean theres a limit but not like this...

wats youth life really like...is this all..

well...

hassel, fun, loving...

hav gone thru many things...and now i think back..i still wonder..is youth life jus this...or is there more to it...i'm still finding an answer..i hope to get an answer...

i'm sorry

to see u tear will be the last thing in my mind
but i put u in this spot because of my stupidity.
i wanted u to have a big family.
i wanted u to gain back your happiness.
but instead i began thinking of u the wrong way,
how could i?
it was my suspicious mind that saw things around me in the wrong ways,
should i have really suspected you, that minute would have been my last.
but afta a lustrous experience with u, i can't make that assumption.
i could never leave your side for another, i'de be cheating my own heart.
i feel insecure, i fear, im worried, bubu, would u leave me?
please..
if it were to happen,....
i jus dunno why, but, my love for is so big, i'd blow up if i were to loose u..
how could i have hurt you??? was it really me who did that honey??
i'm sorry....

chemistry of love types

sometimes i jus wonder wat love is all about... some love expect gifts, some expect physical intimacy, and some, jus love, nothing else...but my new life with my love has been a combination of all these love types...when she likes something, she would always tell me, like clothes, i do love to see her in the most posh clothes cos my baby is a hawt hawt babe...hehe..well if i have enough, i could get it for her.

when she really feels that she needs that private time with me, i'm more than willing to spend it fruitfully with her, she feels so much loved and sometimes i just wonder, am i so loving that she gets turned on too???...haha..once i went to her place and well she asked,baby can i rape you??..and i jus rebutted...Do you have to ask???...and she us asked me to come and rape her....hahaha..well its a playful way we use to talk with each other...in the process, she did ask me if we could do it, jus once, she really felt loved for that moment, but thinking of consequences made me say no...i regret tlling her that cos i was ready for it, but i wasn't playing safe without a helmet, so i'd rather be safe than sorry, but i promised her that the next time we do get together, we shall do it...

and sometimes she would jus need a few minutes in my arms...thinking that i'm her mom...well, i grew up more under mom's love...my dad wasn't the loving type...so yea...i'm waiting for the day to giv her something special in public, well, to see the tears of joy...to hear her say that she loves me in public...the feeling is so great that as i think of it now, i'm jus hoping that it happens soon.

evil....within....

the evil within never seem to rest when hurt and hatred were to play peek-a-boo,

the good hearts would never privale when the psycotic and the confused sorts to torture.

Though the silent evil seeks revenge, the good would stand strong to not behave barbarically against the devil surrounding my life.

An evil of a normal would be just as irritating as mice,

but the evil of the silent and peaceful is far more destructive.

Somehow, patience plays its part to control the revengeful mind,

who is to blame for this rare charecteristic..??

But the piles of hurt and loads of anger would be too heavy for this heart, and when it over loads,

silence will never be as merciful anymore!!!